You Might Also Like
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.