The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
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*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
necessity is the mother of invention
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”