The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
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I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”