the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
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I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.