The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
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Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.