The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
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“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Breaking news:
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Did I do this right
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys