the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
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At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.