The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
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cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.