@_Fariis

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

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@samalmightysam

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

@prncss_fifi

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

@Wuttercuerk

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

@dubiousgenius

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

@CopBroughtPizza

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

@MommaUnfiltered

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

@Rayne__Man

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that