Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
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Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that