The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
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Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.