the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
You Might Also Like
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT