@goodgrief_rats The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
@lisaxy424 the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
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@goodgrief_rats 
@ummmmmmmmmmmbye boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
@TheToddWilliams Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
@XplodingUnicorn Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
@AnissaClingman My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
@clemdytan My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
@IDontSpeakWhine 12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
@BwanaChris My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
@hammyinmiami I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
@TheBoydP Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?