@lisaxy424

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

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@goodgrief_rats

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

@XplodingUnicorn

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

@AnissaClingman

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

@clemdytan

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

@IDontSpeakWhine

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

@BwanaChris

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

@hammyinmiami

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

@TheBoydP

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?