The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
You Might Also Like
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”