The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
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Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Brilliant!
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer