The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
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I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
“and how does that make you feel?”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
I’m not stressed
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.