The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
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I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison