The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
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They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
“You’d better run, egg!”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Autocorrect is my menesis
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?