The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
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On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.