The Mission Impossible theme song plays as I try to have a balanced meal.
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Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
All I’m saying is that nobody can cook rubbish like last borns. Those creatures can even fry water
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
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Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
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I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
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[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is