The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
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I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
you will never know the true number of layers
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Flock of bats
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”