The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
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I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Where is your GOD now????
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.