The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
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For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing