the Monday after daylight savings
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Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
They got a point!
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
bad news gang
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.