The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
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Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.