The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

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Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.


(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?


[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.


The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.



[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!


I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.


Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help


one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar


Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.