The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
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What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’d use my best pan on you.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut