The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
#CoronaOutbreak
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.