the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
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[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Somebody’s lying.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
figuring out my emotional availability:
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Van Gone
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
is it earth
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”