The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
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Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff