The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
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Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only