the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
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My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?