The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
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If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.