The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
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Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours