The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
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Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Beware of the dog..
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Whoa 😂
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign