The morning after pill, but for tweets
You Might Also Like
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Hotels are back
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.