the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
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you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Not all heroes wear capes…
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen