the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
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When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
When I said I liked it rough.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.