The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
You Might Also Like
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story