The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
You Might Also Like
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
This a good idea
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*