The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
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if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Ah..makes sense now
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.