The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
You Might Also Like
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm