The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
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(Jupiter –
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.