The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
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My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Me, reading some of your tweets
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
kevin is now a local weatherman
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.