The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
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You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.