The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
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Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now