@chrisdowning

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

You Might Also Like

@KattsDogma

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

@robfee

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

@keyblur_justin

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

@Jeff_Gephart

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

@carlyken

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

@Token_Geezer

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

@oksheesh

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

@PoodleSnarf

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication

@fixyourcompass

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

@VeganZebra

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle