a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
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Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle