The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

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a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down


Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?


I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.


What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights


Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?


I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late


Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot


Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication


My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…


Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle