The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
You Might Also Like
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.