The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
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My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
meanwhile over on facebook
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name