The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
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Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*