@vineyille After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
@carlyken The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
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@vineyille 
@mommywhitfield Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
@thehubrispanda The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
@trevso_electric If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
@illTortuga “Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
@david8hughes “The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
@jctwritesstuff *rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
@KalvinMacleod GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
@AnOrangeSNES Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
@stuckinaportal sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…