Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

Spotted in the wild

This is my bus stop.

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.