The most important meal of the day is the next one
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Spa day..😅
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Every work call, he judges.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.