the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
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Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong