The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

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Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)


[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]


[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit


The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.


A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.


english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me: ok
me: what is a pald


Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.


Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.


You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*


“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”