Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
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[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me: what is a pald
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
You have tattoos and curves?
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
“Kids, I found a campsite!”