The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
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I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
🤣
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
me refusing to leave twitter
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”