The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.