The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
You Might Also Like
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”