The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
dude it’s called proctologist
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
💯😂
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
pls suprot
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
